Freedom From Surrender
Tiffany Skuraton
It’s as if I had been fighting a war on a battlefield surrounded, completely out numbered, yet refusing to surrender. I had been promised freedom if I just put down my weapon and put my hands in the air, but I refused because of my lack of faith, pride, arrogance, and just based on principle. Stories had circulated of the opposing side doing just as they said and given freedom to those who surrendered, but I refused because I was too damn stubborn to listen.
When I first came to Sober Living down here in South Florida there were certain things I refused to accept, one being that I did not know everything. Despite looking at my life and that I was yet again walking into a halfway house, I still had this delusion that I knew what was best for my life. Now to everyone but me that was clearly not that case. Each time I would stop using, I was unwilling to listen to all the suggestions of those who came before me. Making myself my own formula with no success, each time adding or subtracting a different ingredient.
The first time I went to treatment I didn’t think I was like anyone else and didn’t belong there, therefore taking no suggestions. As a result, further down I fell. Then, each time I was willing to do a little more. Next time I was open to hitting my knees and praying, but that was it; no meetings once I left halfway, and certainly no sponsor or steps as I wasn’t as bad as the rest. So further down I fell. Meanwhile, I had been homeless, in and out of jail, doing hard drugs, yet I didn’t think I was as bad as the others in Alcoholics Anonymous. This last time, when I walking into a sober living home in Fort Lauderdale, Florida with nothing but a garbage bag full of stuff and nothing and no one in my life, I had to finally surrender. I clearly didn’t know what was best for my life and my best thinking landed me back in a halfway house, completely broken. If I had known the right choices and made them I would have had the white picket fence life, with two cars in the driveway, a nice house, college graduate, with a husband, kids, and some dogs. Here I was so far from that, I had to look at my life on paper and accept what I had been fighting for years.
The moment of surrender, getting down on my knees, putting my hands up, and begging God for help what the first step to recovery, and freedom from active addiction. From there, the halfway house suggested I go to meetings and get a sponsor, this time without a fight; I did what I was told. As I worked my steps with my sponsor I couldn’t believe how blind I had been. I had been swearing the sky was yellow and the trees purple all because I was unwilling to really open my eyes and see things as they were, not as I was.
In working my 4th step it was so freeing to let go of my anger for I had been mad at the wrong person most of the time. When looking at why I was angry at someone or a situation, I had to also look at my part, setting aside the wrongs others had done, what was my part. This meant it didn’t matter what the other person did, if I hadn’t been there or done certain things, there wouldn’t be resentment to begin with. I had to let go of old ideas of what I thought I knew to be true. As I continued working my steps with my sponsor it was as if I could finally see for the first time, as if I had Lasik eye surgery. Truly I did not know I had been wearing someone else’s eye glasses with the wrong prescription all my life.
There is truly freedom and a path to an amazing life all starting with us surrendering.